Am I Addicted to My Phone? Do I live like my phone is my "savior?"

My Phone is My Pacifier

I hate that I have to confess that my phone is sometimes my pacifier. Here's how my son confirmed this truth...

The other day I was having a breakdown and crying pretty hard in our front room chair. I can tend to be emotional, but it is rare to see me weeping (though it's becoming more common as I get older and more tender). To be honest, I can't remember exactly what I was crying hard about. We've had some pretty intense parenting trials that have worn me out emotionally, plus my ongoing trials of significant health issues, so it must have all collided together in that moment. My kids could tell I was emotionally low, and of course they were gracious and loving. My youngest, at almost two years old, did something that marked me in an unforgettable way.

My Son Consoled Me With My Phone, Cause I'm Addicted To It

Toddlers are still learning to process emotions and read facial expressions, so when I first started crying hard my youngest son looked at me curiously. He stood there, still as a mouse, just quietly and patiently taking in the situation. Then, as he processed my sadness he did two things. First, he found my water bottle and brought it to me. So sweet. So thoughtful. However the next thing he did was locate my phone on a nearby table and bring it to me. This thoughtful gesture broke me. My sweet boy was trying to console me with what he thought was most important to me. In fact, he was showing me what I had been SHOWING HIM was most important to me through my behavior. He revealed to me that my phone was my prized possession, or at least a possession that I needed most in my time of distress-- because that's what he had been witnessing.

I wish he had brought me my Bible. I wish I was the kind of mom who was holding her Bible more often than her phone, but I'm not. Truth be told, I do read my Bible through my phone on occasion, but regardless, I desire for my children to see me chasing peace through prayer, not my phone. Now, I know that this is probably an unrealistic expectation of myself (to be holding my phone more often than the Word of God). Don't you pay bills, pray for others, work, and yes, "scroll" for entertainment on your little handheld bff? Me too. Much of what I do on my phone is essential, much of it is not. Still, it broke me that my son brought me my phone when I was grieving because he knew it was of high value to me. He was so sweet and trying to be helpful, but all I really NEEDED was a hug from him, not a hit of dopamine from some online barely relational interaction or a feeling of completion from another email sent.

Behavior is a Language

Intention is good, but behavior is most important. I can INTEND to be more engaged as a mama, intend to be more in the Word, intend to speak gently to those I love, but what I actually do matters most. Thank you Lord for grace! Whew! The Lord knows I am failing often at a lot of GREAT intentions that I strive for in my heart. As a parent, I hear my kids say often, "well I didn't mean to hurt so and so" or "I didn't mean to do that" but what they're really saying is the same thing I've said to myself, my family, and the Lord--I didn't mean to be on my phone so much, that's not how I want to spend my life. However, I was on my phone too much. I was in the wrong -regardless of my intentions. I don't intend to be addicted to my phone, but my behavior has been showing the opposite.

Real Life vs. 'Reel Life'

Closing my eyes to the world isn't being ignorant, it's a healthy boundary at times. In fact, I'd argue that if we DON'T turn 'the world in our pocket' off at times, then we aren't even living in THIS world--the one God blessed us with right before our eyes and right beneath our feet. We're trying to live in a world that doesn't exist and missing what and who is actually present with us in the moment. I'm learning to close my eyes more often, and even close my ears at times. There is always a great compassion to be had for the events of heartbreak and trauma around the world. There will always be a new viral video to watch. The news doesn't sleep. However, if I'm caught up in all the highs and lows that are shared in the news, the latest viral videos, and the minor events taking place in people's lives whom I don't even talk with--then I am not living my own REAL life. I'm just living a REEL life that will keep me addicted and scrolling until I die.

It's time to replace the 'pacifier.' Actually, it's time to change our heart's desire--we don't need to find something new or more holy to pacify ourselves with, we need to (I need to) learn to sit in emotionally heavy moments and be present. Learning to be still and sit in uncomfortable places and feel uncomfortable feelings is a part of life. We can't (or more like "we shouldn't") always pacify ourselves, reach for something that numbs us, or keep our eyes and brains constantly seeking another dopamine hit. If all we do is spend our lives on a super high mountain of adrenaline and dopamine, then the inevitable drop down into the valley of real life is going to be so severely steep we might mentally and emotionally crash. Be encouraged though! It's not too late to change course. Start here and ask yourself these questions:

• What would your kids hand you in a moment of sadness?

• “Where do you turn when life feels heavy — and how do you want your kids to see you respond?

• What can you commit to doing right now in order to take a tiny step toward being the engaged mama you know God wants you to be?

  
  

Lord, I lift up the mamas reading this and I pray for breakthrough. I pray that they would not beat themselves into a shame spiral, but rather be encouraged that they're not alone in this struggle. God, please grant us a spirit of self-control and strength to have better boundaries. Help us remember to LOOK UP from our phones every time a child calls our name. Let us not be lost in a digital world, but rather found in you, Amen.